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FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



RHODOSHAKE'S VISIT 



PROM 



THE MOON 



POEM; 



IN TWO CANTOS. 



ARTHUR CRAIGENGELT, GENT, 




NEW-YORK: 
PEABODY & CO. BROAD\^ 
1832. 



=1^ 



n 



NOTICE. 

The following Poem, entitled ' Fashionable Satires,' was 
Wi'itten merely foi- the amusement of the Author, and never 
intended for public circulation. At the earnest solicitation of 
a large circle of friends, the manuscript was obtained for the 
press. 

Only two hundred and fifty copies have been printed; and 
the expensive manner in Avhich it has been got up, compels 
the Publishers to fix a higher price than is usual for works of 
this kind. 



ERRATA. 

Canto I. Stanza 34, 3d line, for made read make. 

43, 5th " for Palladium read Palladiao. 
50, 8th " for mummy read mummer. 
57, 8th " for mingled read singled. 

66, 5th " for men read mens. 
(Janto IL " 24, 8th " for by read from. 

49, 3d " for snouting read mounting. 
" 4th " for shining read shiv'ring. 

67, 1st " for 7;e/?/ read rosy. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



RHODOSHAKE'S TISIT 



FROM 



THE MOON; 



POEM; 



IN TWO CANTOS- 



ARTHUR CRAIGENGELT, GENT. 



y^ 



' The Man o' the Moon forever! 
The Man o' the Moon forever! 
We'll drink to him still 
In a merry cup of ale, 
Here's the Man o' the Moon forever!" 

Jacobite Relics. 



With a soft besom will I sweep your halls, 
And brush a web or two from ofiF the walls." 

Don Juan. 



NEW-YORK: 
PEABODY & CO. BROADWAY 

1832. 







THE MOST HONORABLE, 

THE MEMBERS OF 

THE CORPORATION, 

OF THE 

GREAT EMPORIUM 

OF COMMERCE, FASHION, AND FOLLY, 

YCLEPED NEW- YORK, 

the following Work, 
h (ivitli reverence) most humbly 

DEDICATED, 

BY THE AUTHOR. 



[Entered accordiug to the act of CoDgress in the year 1831, by Peabody & Co. ill the office of the 
Clerk of the Southern District of New-York.] 



[S. Marks it Sou, Printers, G;5 Vesey-street.] 



CANTO I 



Hear me, thou mighty one, who from the moon 

Look' St down upon this rolling ball, the earth ; 

Hear me, and grant, I pray, the only boon 

I ever ask'd of thy illustrious worth, 

That I my lyre m- fiddle now may tune, 

To sing the deeds that in thy sphere had birth ; 

Where curiosity it seems doth dwell, 

As here on earth, and other worlds as well. 

II. 
Full well thou know' St what did befall thy sphere, 
When the sun's rays from thee our earth did hide; 
When darkness spread upon the sun, and fear 
Fell on thy subjects who with thee abide. 
When on the earth smok'd glasses did appear. 
And noses smok'd by contact were descried ; 
Thou know' St, I say, however close thy lips, 
What happen'd with thee in the late eclipse. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



III. 

Then aid me, as I trudge along in verse, 
To tell the wonders that took place with thee ; 
As likewise recollection to rehearse. 
The sights, the wonders, and the pleasantry, 
And of the folly, pride, and things much worse, 
That thy commission'd minister did see ; 
From the first moment of his short sojourn. 
Upon this mundane sphere till his return. 



Guide thou my pen, as o'er this desert page, 
In words of truth it condescends to praise: 
Help me pourtray the manners of the age ; 
Make so ethereal, these forthcoming lays, 
(Unlike those shreds of fancy that engage, 
The wisdom of the world about these days,) 
They may at least survive \he first edition — 
Man o' the Moon — pray grant this short petition 



There was in Bludestos, upon that day, 

A conclave call'd of all thy wisest men. 

Some in rich gold — ^but most in brass — array ; 

The object of this meeting, there and then 

Conven'd, was not alone for a display; 

(As such things here below sometimes have been,) 

But for a greater matter than before, 

Had e'er convok'd that legislative corps. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



Its men of lore were all assembled there, 

Some truly wise, and some who seerrCd as wise ; 

For those who had not wisdom had its air, 

A sort of knowing cast, about the eyes. 

Such men have quite an owlish sort of stare 

Of ^visdom, that their tongue alas belies. 

Whose awful jaws, when open'd in a trice — 

Bring forth from lab'ring mountains, nought but mice. 



Victory, floats o'er battles, smoke, and smother, 
(So poets say when they of glory talk,)" 
Sometimes on one side, sometimes on the other, 
Taking the shape of eagle, crow, or hawk, 
And oft the three, will all each other bother — 
As who the first shall be the plain to stalk, 
Or perch upon the victor's haughty crest, 
Or feed upon the slain, as he thinks best. 



So Wisdom o'er that hall her course was leadRng — 

But did not 'light it seems within its wall. 

For such would not of her have seem'd good breeding. 

She flutter'd o'er its pinnacle and ball, 

And was, alas! but very little heeding 

The speakers, or the speeches, in the hall. 

For she was wond'ring what was in the way, 

To keep the sun from shining on that day. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



And SO were they her representatives ; 
And Ukewise seeking to appease their wonder : 
For said they " While the Moon in Heaven hves, 
Her subjects surely will find out what blunder, 
Has made the Sun, hold back the light he gives. 
Some cause unknown keeps us just now asunder, 
Till darkness has usurp'd the place of light ; 
Something is wrong, 'tis we must set it right." 



And having made this wonderful conclusion, 
They voted this a case of consequence : 
And thought, in order to prevent confusion- — 
'Twas best at first, to find the cause from whence 
The object came, that bred this black obtrusion. 
This being found, they would remove th' off'ence. 
Alas ! how little like the earth's logicians. 
Or that illustrious corps, its politicians ; 



For they, with vi^isdom that deserves applause- 
A wisdom that the Moonites never knew : 
Do not sit groping for the foolish cause 
Of an effect, but with a forethought true, 
Proceed at once — so truly wise their laws — 
As doth a tinker, turning old to new — 
To stop the leak, and let the rust remain, 
So they can have a hole to stop again. 



FASHIONAULE SATIRES, 



The moon's celestial king, Gliimfungus dire, 
Arose, like some young lion from his lair — 
His eagle eyes, with anger's thrilling fire 
In living lightnings, on that conclave glare. 
His brow was black with rage, and venom'd ire, 
That told of rankling passions mounting there — 
Woes long asleep, within his breast awoke ; 
He stretch'd his arm aloft, and thus he spoke. 

XIII. 

"'Tls meet," said he, "that now we do proceed- 
To wipe away this blackness, drear that lies, — 
Enfolding in its dark, funereal weed, 
Again our glorious orb, from starry skies. 
It is the earth, that doth this scandal breed; 
The earth — the vile low earth ! — denies 
Even to us, her ruler, and her help. 
Our wonted light ! Fell furies seize the whelp ! 

XIV. 

"For look," said he, "far down below yon star, 
That twinkles in the gloom, and you perceive 
A something like a glimmer from afar. 
That forms a circle — which we do believe — 
Is the reflection of that glorious car, 
Whose light the earth must certainly receive ; 
Else why could be that radiance there, so clear r 
The sun's reflection, shows the sun is near ! 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



XV. 

"And pray observe how dark yon circle's centre, 

As if ten ' darkest nights had in a pot 

Been stevf^'d to darkness dovs^n,' * now do we venture 

To stake our royal word, that yon black spot 

Is the dull earth, which shall its fault repent, or 

By our high privileg'd majesty, its lot 

Shall be eternal gloom, — the hidden sim 

From this dark hour some other course shall run. 



"Now this is my advice, which you may take 
E'en as it suits your wisdom, or may leave it — 
That we do send our trusty Rhodoshake, 
To take at once a ten mile line, and reave it 
To the moon's horns, so that it will not break- 
On which he can with ease slide down, believe it. 
To yonder rainbow, which he then must straddle. 
And ride to earth without a bit or saddle. 

XIII. 

" Being arriv'd there, this shall be his mission, — 

(The credence papers, and each needful thing, 

Our secretary with all due discretion. 

And quick despatch, shall to the starting bring,) 

— He shall give out our mighty prohibition, 

Till the earth's centre, with the sound shall ring, 

Against a repetition of this shame, 

That earth, has cast upon our beaming name. 

* Buhver. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



" And farther, that the earth do take its place, 

To stand between the sun and us no more, 

But move where she should move, in the wide space, 

Where she has always mov'd as right before, 

That if the earth still hides the sun's bright face, 

And is refractory ; that we will pour 

Our vengeance down, till all her tides do stray — 

And all her currents run the other way !" 

XIX. 

Thus spoke the moon's supreme and mighty king, 
While wond'ring at the wisdom he display'd, 
Stood round his courtiers — ^they're a sort of thing 
One meets on earth, though of a lower grade. 
Toad eaters to the birds, that chance to sing, 
Tickling the pow'rs that be, their willing trade. 
Of whose right royal feet, their lips take measure, 
And find therein, a most uncommon pleasure. 

XX. 

They loud applauded — that's a thing of course — 
Else how could they be fav'rites of their lord, 
If he had said things better, or things worse, 
The self same praise these worthies would accord. 
The king — good man — seeks not their praises' source, 
Else he might find perhaps, they could aflford 
To sing to all his tunes, that pleasant song — 
Beginning with " The king can do no wrong." 



10 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



'Tis pleasant to ascend in a balloon ^ 
High in the air, so cosily to dangle. 
'Tis pleasant waltzing to a lively tune, 
On a tight rope with hoop and a triangle- 
'Tis pleasant likewise, in a lone lagoon, 
With rod and line, for crocodiles to angle ; 
But of all pastimes into which I'd fain go, 
Is a quick trip from heaven on a rainbow ! 



Not so thought Rhodoshake, who had much rather 
Staid where he was in his own lunar region, 
(Content was there nor would he seek it farther.) 
Than be transform'd into a carrier pigeon. 
Besides, it did somewhat his courage bother; 
To calm his fears, he call'd up his religion, 
And just before preparing for his flight, he 
Took also a small cogue of " aqua vitae." 

XXIII. 

Whether they smuggle brandy to the moon — 
Or whether they have learned the art to make it, 
(Which art, perhaps, is not learnt quite as soon 
As is the much more simple one, to take it.) 
Whether they pour it down, or with a spoon, 
When they have thirst do only drink to slake it — 
Are questions, that I deem derogatory 
To the true dignity of this true story. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 11 

XXIV. 

Conceive — most gentle reader — if you please, 
And such a case indeed you can conceive ; 
Alighted on a rainbow, less at ease, 
Than when of his own planet he took leave — 
Pressing " the sign of hope" with both his knees, 
Endeavouring his courage to retrieve, 
Looking around, in glances, wild and wary, 
The moon's minister extraordinary. 

XXV. 

Pray, reader, did you ever on the brink 

Of some high rock o'erlook the ocean's ripple.^ 

Or did you ever bring yourself to think 

On the world's littleness, from a church steeple.^ 

Standing on the vane, didst ever drink 

Death to your foes, and other honest people ? 

Perhaps you have, without a single fear — 

But in such places one feels somewhat queer. 



So did the minister ; his was a scat 

That Herschel might have envied ; he there rightly 

A "set of tables" could have made complete. 

And glancing with his glasses, even slightly. 

He would have found more stars, beneath his feet, 

Than o'er his head, before, he had seen nightly. 

And if thus straddling, he had felt at ease. 

He would no doubt have made discoveries. 



12 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



XXVII. 

And so perhaps, the hero of our story, 
Was he possess' d of half his native spirit, 
Would have admir'd much the modest glory 
Of the pale moon, the stars, and planets near it, 
The meteors, the earth's black promontory. 
The ocean too — for he could see and hear it — 
With other things, to some, no doubt delightful ; 
But vrhich to him appear'd less fair than frightful. 



xxvrii. 



I said upon the rainbow he was seated ; 
I can't say much however for his attitude, 
Wherein true grace was very little heeded. 

To Mars, or Mister R , he ow'd no gratitude, 

He ne'er to riding lessons had been treated. 
If there you had beheld the envoy seated rude — 
" Hector a-horse" you'd surely not have thought on. 
Perhaps you might have dream'd, of General M****n. 

XXIX. 

But to return — there came a puff of air. 

That drove all musing from his heated brain. 

And now it was his great, and only care, 

His posture on his hobby to maintain. 

He found himself upon his journey fair, 

And with a speed, of which he did complain ; 

But talking to the wind would not avail, 

He therefore held his tongue, and " let go sail." 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 13 

XXX. 

Like the swift whirling of a jenny-spinner, 
Or hke a meteor ere its force is spent, 
Or like a race horse coming in a winner, 
Or hke the fleeting of a fair intent, 
Or good things at a corporation dinner, 
Or like a coward flying from his tent, 
Or like a lover hast'ning to his fair, 
Or like the popularity of our Mayor.* 



Or like, dear reader, any other thing 

That strikes your fancy, as possessing speed. 

Did the moon's minister through heaven wing. 

Or slide — " wing" chimes with " thing," although indeed 

*' Slide" is the proper word — I could not bring 

A better argument to prove the need ; 

*' We poets" from the tame to the sublime. 

Are brought to sometimes, when we want a rhyme. 



'Twas something like ten minutes — more or less — 
The time I can't precisely know, and thence 
Would not on such a subject hke to guess, 
Or hazard an assertion — an offence 
Historians oft commit — I would impress 
Upon my worthy reader's common sense, 
The deep contempt, which I do bear in sooth, 
For tales that do not bear the stamp of truth. 



14 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

XXXIII. 

Suppose ten minutes then (it is no matter 
Whether 'twas ten or more) had pass'd away; 
When Rhodoshake, his flesh nigh bruis'd to batter, 
Upon the earth, in senseless torpor lay — 
His fall, indeed, was far enough to shatter 
The very lightest of us men of clay. 
But he was not of earth, and so no wonder 
That not a joint or bone was rent asunder. 

xxxiv. 

To an)' gentleman, who presumes to scout 
Th' idea of this feat of man's agility ; 
Or says it wants, in order to maae out 
Just claims to his respect, some probability ; 
Or that he does my information doubt — 
I merely say, " I doubt his own civility." 
To any lady who may read my rhyme — 
" Dear madam, I was present at the time." 



— " Recubans sub Jove'" — (not from Homer. 
But no great matter that) — I'm fond of latin. 
You'll call me " classic," 'tis no great misnomer— 
An ancient phrase comes now and then so pat in, 
That you no doubt will welcome the new comer, 
Writers, or speakers, little matter what in. 
Should plant in their discourse, at every turning, 
A latin phrase — it shows one's wit and learning. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 15 



Our hero shook himself as he awoke, 
And rubb'd his eyes, and gave a sort of cry ; 
Then stared about — the day had not yet broke, 
But a faint ghmmer spread along the sky : 
And he could see quite near him, a huge oak, 
And as he turn'd, before him could descry 
A long, queer looking building of white stone. 
He gave another glance, and then a groan. 



And then he rais'd himself upon his arm, 

And took a wider survey of the ground. 

Which did not greatly his dull spirit charm : 

A green behind him, and each side around. 

Lay fenc'd with boards, which to preserve from harm, 

Had been white wash'd, as afterward he found. 

Some trees likewise were scatter'd o'er the scene, 

" Like angels' visits, few, and far between." 

XXXVIII. 

Two other structures rose upon the view, 

Of which the one before stood in the centre ; 

But what their objects were, he scarcely knew. 

They look'd so black, 'twas odd if they were meant for 

Men's habitations — first, thought he, they grew 

Out of the earth, but yet he could not venture 

On his veracity, just then to swear 

What kind of fruit such articles would bear. 



16 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



But e'er the sage had come to a conclusion, 

He thought that something tapp'd him on the shoulder. 

And turning round, he found to his confusion 

It was no fairy's wing, of woven gold, or 

Airy sprite, or such like gay illusion : 

(Had it been either, he had felt much bolder.) 

It was dear reader, Avithout farther parley 

It was — the dexter manus of a " Charley." 

XL. 

I love the " Charleys," I respect the race, 

They are all clever fellows in the main. 

Their manners, I confess, have not much grace, 

Although they would not for the world give pain. 

They'll break your head, then tell you " kape the pace," 

Which 'tis most hkely you'll disturb again. 

For when a person is thus made non compos, 

'Tis very possible he makes a " rumpus." 

XLI. 

The " gentle scout" went thro' two long tirades, 
Seeing his man so very odd attired, 
Upon the consequence of masquerades. 
From which he thought our hero just retired. 
And such a watchman-like oration made, 
That Rhodoshake his manner much admired. 
His explanation did at once ensue — 
The " Charley" shook his head — it would not do. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 17 



He was lock'd up, among the queerest set 
Of single gentlemen, that had before 
Beneath that Hall of Justice ever met. 
Some were standing, some lay on the floor, 
Some in good humour, others in a pet. 
One worthy thought his quarters quite " a bore." 
Indeed they seem'd most justly to conclude. 
That treatment such as theirs at least was rude. 

XLIII. 

The morning came, and with it came a Justice 

Of Peace, (a kind of tail piece of the law, 

" The small end of the horn,") who almost burst his 

Huge waistbands with importance, full of awe; 

As if the Palladium Jove had nurst his 

Red bolts in his black eye brows — there you saw 

— If you but cast your eyes upon his kirtle — 

Something that spoke of dignity, and — turtle. 



There is a certain kind of dignity. 

Aristocrats suppose belongs alone 

To titled names — a gown, a wig, and the 

Other requisites of a Judge, we own 

Help much the " official phiz" — benignity- 

The patronizing air, the winning tone, 

Of dignitaries to our senses willing. 

Without " the staff" would not be quite "so killing." 



18 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

XLV. 

But there is dignity, that plays the devil 
With our respect, and that would make the deuce 
Of even Fanny Wright, that mine of evil — 
Quite modest — it seems at once t' unloose 
The stiffest spine — the rude at once makes civil, 
From clowns and lords, alike, it doth produce 
A certain rev'rence, not unraix'd with fear — 
A strange " alloverness," that's vastly queer. 



Instance the dignity of the " sun's hrother,*' 
As he sits ciirl'd upon his ottoman. 
Giving his orders such an one to smother, 
Or sow up in a sack. — (To die 's the lot o' man.) 
His highness has found out some way or other. 
And he who is afraid of death is not a man. 
Besides the " sun and moon's sublime relation," 
Fears and abhors excess of population. 

XL VII. 

His is the cream of dignity, as likewise is 

The royal state of kings, from pole to pole. 

There's in the form of Venus as she rises 

From the salt waves, that round her beauties roll, 

Much dignity — such at least are my surmises. 

I never saw her — though upon my soul 

I've seen her earthly type, who should be sainted. 

She looks so charming always — when she's painted. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 19 

XLVIII. 

But this digression is quite out of order ; 

There's dignity in stage kings at a fair. 

A dukedom has its state too, and a lord, or 

Count, or prince, has oft a stately air : 

There's much about his honor the R,******r, 

Nor less about our honorable M***r, 

When one example's down, another pops on ; 

To stop at once there's nought hke thine, oh H****n. 

XLIX. 

He placed his dignity upon a cushion. 
While rang'd before him stood each luckless wight, 
Whom evil fate to midnight sprees did push on. 
(Birds of the shade, the minions of the night.) 
The Justice turn'd his mighty constitution, 
And spied our luckless friend, who such a sight 
Presented, as one seldom sees at all 
Save on the stage, or at a fancy ball. 



"Well," said his squireship, " what brings you here, 
More of this vile masking, I suppose — 
These masquerades will some odd day, I fear, 
Take Justice even by her sacred nose ; 
Watchman speak out, and tell us what this queer 
Odd looking fish was doing, come expose — 
For by the omnipotence of the quorum, 
I will hold up this mummy " in terrorem." 



20 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

LI. 

The " Guardian" spoke — then reason'd thus the squire, 
" Fellow, your conduct merits reprehension, 
And you shall have it to your heart's desire, 
For from the hour that 1 first set this bench on, 
(Such larks as you, are quite enough to tire 
All patience out,) I've met with more detention, 
In keeping order, from such wights as you. 
Than from all other rascals of the crew." 



And he would have continued his oration, 
Had not its subject, wrathful Rhodoshake, 
Thought it high time to publish his high station — 
For now he saw there must be some mistake, 
But which was surely not of his creation. 
The last words spoken did his senses wake — 
And so to put an end to these droll capers, 
He handed to his worship a few papers. 



With something of surprise, the Justice took 'em — 
Placing his spectacles on 's ruby nose, 
Proceeded he at once to overlook 'em — 
After a moment's wonderment he rose, 
His features (their bright colour had forsook 'em) 
Look'd blank, his nasal organ, I suppose, 
Retain'd its redness, like a blazing beacon 
Upon a certain hill, not best to speak on. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 21 



" Most lofty envoy," were the first words spoken 
To the moon's minister. " Why, you old villain, 
Your ugly blockhead should for this be broken." 
The retort to the watchman. '* For a shilling, 
I'd trounce you for your witless croaking." 
" My lord, I re'ely hope that you are willing 
T' attribute these proceedings to mistake." 
*' I am," ejaculated Rhodoshake. 

LV. 

"And pray, most potent! if I may presume 

To ask your patience, for a little space, 

'Till I can give these rascals here their doom, 

I would consider it the highest grace. 

To have your presence in my breakfast room, 

Where I will show how I regret this case. 

Until I do, I shall not feel at ease — 

After your wounded sensibilities." 



Oh most sweet pow'r, of most sweet persuasion ! 
Thou potent mollifier of man's evil ! 
Most blest is he, who can upon occasion 
Call up thine aid, in honied phrases civil, 
To help him out of some bad situation. 
Or in a good one — we all know the devil 
Made our first mother eat the fruit forbidden — 
But 'neath thy garb his serpent form was hidden. 



22 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



Woman, dear woman, has thy golden treasm'e 

In full perfection — powerful thine arm 

When in her form 'tis moulded, then the measure 

Of thy address is full — as when the warm 

Tear steals adown her cheek from founts of azure, 

Then is thy victory complete — thy charm 

Is stronger then, than when 'tis mingled 

With ev'ry word of power by learning mingled. 

LVIII. 

There is more power in the silent tear 
That like a dew drop trembles in the eye, 
More of that touching pathos we revere. 
In the soft breathing of the deep drawn sigh. 
There is more witch'ry, to the charmed ear, 
In woman's voice in supplicating cry. 
Than in the Grecian gesture, or the rules 
Of all the rostrum eloquence of schools. 

LIX. 

Ye who have watched the form of Beauty kneeling, 
Unburthening in prayer the soul's commotion, 
The eye upturned, a seraph glance revealing. 
The red lip trembling with divine emotion. 
The pearly tear adown the pale cheek stealing, 
And heard the murmurings of that devotion. 
Have ye not felt a fullness of the heart, 
That the strong words of passion ne'er impart ? 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 23 

LX. 

Did there not fall angelic calmness there, 
That wrapt the soul in heavenly embrace r 
Did there not float upon the balmy air, 
That bore the breathings of those words of grace ? 
A deep and holy spirit, that did bear 
Soothingly sweet upon the heart, and trace 
Upon its core, as with an angel's power, 
The heaven-born, deep devotion of that horn* ? 



There is a voice that's silent as the gloom 

That girds the waters of oblivion's lake. 

Tongueless, but emphatic, as the doom 

That preludes death, the spirit doth awake 

Beneath its speechless power, as a tomb 

Upon whose stone, at midnight there do break 

The moon's pale beams, white, charnel-like, and ghastly. 

This similie's my own — I like it vastly. 



An urn of mocha, smoking from the coals — 
A dish of salmon, fresh from Kennebunk — 
A rasher of ham, with eggs — a plate of soles — 
Oysters caught yesterday at Manayunk — 
Radishes, ruddy as a lady's cheek — hot rolls, 
Dry toast, and trout, made fit for any monk — 
With shrimp, and catsup o'er the beef steak cast, 
Make what I call a tolerable breakfast. 



24 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

LXIII. 

So thought the guest, as this display of eatables 
Before his raptur'd vision here was spread. 
Covered with viands, pleasant 'tis to see tables ; 
Especially if one's long out of bed : 
People are much too talkative at tea tables, 
And dinner tables are a thing to dread ; 
For there the guests are all too ceremonious, 
Eating and talking are not quite harmonious, 

LXIV. 

Therefore the Justice took this good occasioBy 
To draw from our young hero all his business ; 
All which he told without the least evasion, 
And which the squire heard without uneasiness : 
Excepting one part of his long narration, 
Which gave his worship something of a dizziness ;- 
This was a clause, ordering to be collected 
Funds for a church, about to be erected. 

LXV. 

He had for sale some stock too, of a rail-way^ 
To be put up whenever funds were granted, 
A private thing — he said it could not fail pay ; 
A few odd thousands too, were all they wanted. 
He then before the host, a bill of sale lay 
Of fifty shares — his worship's bosom panted : 
For when he saw the way the trick was done he 
Knew, he must lose his guest, or lose his money. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 2o 

LXVI. 

His worship said he could without disparity, 
To any gen'rous soul, of any nation, 
Say that he knew of one, whose deeds of charity 
Of ev'ry week, nay ev'ry day's, creation, 
Exceeded all men ; and his guest to share it, he 
Would advise without a moment's hesitation, 
To go with him, and seek an introduction, 
As there he might ply all his pow'rs of suction. 

Lxvri. 
"And," said he, " I will undertake to lead 
Your lordship such a course of sage manoeuvres. 
That will not fail, but in the end to breed 
A spirit ; that such mighty things will do for us 
Within the bosom of this Diomed, 
As shall be thought, one of those bright chef d'oeuvres, 
Wherein the gods do lend co-operation ; 
I'll introduce you to the corporation." 

Lxviir. 

In the snug quarters of the civil squire. 

Some pleasant subjects were without remission, 

Discuss'd, before a brilliant sea coal fire ; 

Such as my hero's objects, and commission, 

The merits too (which he did much admire) 

Of the Common Council, and their good condition : 

How they manag'd thieves, and all such sinners, 

And also how they manag'd their fine dinners. 



26 FASHIONABLE SATIRES, 



" Splendide formatus," a classic phrase, 
And I am very classic in expression, 
I would not for a crown, disgrace these lays 
By using aught, but what a chaste discretion, 
Would judge as terms befitting these chaste day& 
So chaste — but I must make a short digression. 
And state a simple fact, to show how chaste 
The times are, and refined the public taste. 

LXX. 

Oh Mister B*****w, Mister B*****w, oh ! 
Thou Wilberforce, thou patron of the Blackies. 
Black roses be thy garland, and a crow 
Couchant, thy sign of heraldry — thy track is 
Dark and gloomy, as thro' th' uncover'd row 
Of unsophisticated, woolly Jackies, 
With many a doubtless grin, from sooty jaws, 
I see thee greeted with immense applause ! ! ! 



In Massachusetts ! hear it gentles all ! 
Hear it, and bless that clever pumpkin land, 
Where wooden nutmegs grow, and flourish tall 
Tin pedlars ; an honest travelling band 
They are of worth, their dealings small 
In rags, and tin, and notions ; they demand 
This praise from me, for though I am no meddler, 
When rogues arc scarce, 'tis just to praise a pedlar. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 37 

But one digression mingled with another, 
Is not the thing to keep my story chiming ; 
In Massachusetts — (what a word to bother 
One who, Hke me, is very nice in rhyming,) 
Within that hall where useful laws they smother, 
-Vnd pass all such as may increase of crime bring, 
Arose one day an odd sort of commotion — 
The yesty waves of Mr. B*****w's motion. 

LXXIII, 

He laid before that honorable corps — 

The Massachusetts senate — his idea, 

(He had but one) that on this happy shore, 

Where Freedom doth her spangled banner rear, 

Where Liberty's young eagles upward soar. 

Where every lofer's equal to a peer, 

That unto lib'ral principles obedient. 

This resolution should be deemed expedient — 

LXXIV. 

" That as the world descended from one sire, 
Common to all and from one common mother, 
We therefore are one race — one man no higher 
In nature's scale of greatness, than another — 
Therefore resolved. That sev'rally we desire, 
And thereby do, hail as our common brother 
— As did the ancient burghers of Manhattoes — 
All Negroes, Indians, Quadroons, and Mulattoes! 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



Second — We deem it proper, fair, and right. 

To make the honest negro retribution 

For all the long continued wrong and slight, 

That he has borne, and that such institution 

As makes distinction between black and white, 

Is subject matter fit for resolution" — 

Resolved — " That negroes may with whites get married !" 

The Chairman put the motion — It was carried ! ! !* 

LXXVI. 

Spirit of Afric's dingy children ! Oh ! 

What a chaste feeling fills the honest heart 

Of that bright champion, patriot B*****w ! 

May little negroes, innocent of art, 

In unsophisticated blackness grow 

Around him, lisping praises that impart, 

A recompense more truly sweet, to such men, 

Than 'schnaps,' and 'sour krout,' to patriot Dutchmen! 

LXXVII. 

Oh if to write a fiction, you should ever 
Expend your precious moments, pray observe 
And make your hero ev'ry thing that's clever ; 
Give him a purpose that can never swerve, 
Make him a god in form, and pray endeavour 
To mould him such a person as may serve 
To give your story such an odd variety, 
As may out-distance nature, and propriety. 

* Fact. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 29 



Let him be cold, and warm, in the same breath — 
Give him a courage such as had old Hector, 
That you may place him oft in scenes of death — 
But you must always shield him, recollect for 
Each scathe, or wound, diminishes the wreath 
Of his last glory — you are his protector ; 
And that your readers his great courage may know, 
Make his last exit into a volcano ! 

LXXIX. 

He should be as susceptible of love, 
As hatred. The cold calmness of the stoics, 
Should likewise fit his nature like a glove ; 
So that one moment he may play heroics, 
And in the next, be dignified as Jove : 
His height in feet not certainly below six, 
In short, just study and you must go right, 
The heroes of the famed " Cosmopolite." 

LXXX. 

It is to form the hero of a story, 
A matter intricate, but mine is made 
Already, thank the moon ! and all the glory 
By right is hers, altho' a fraction's aid 
Was needful as a mark explanatory, 
Of his high birth and diplomatic grade. 
So that, dear reader, all that's due to me is 
The merit of description, he's as he is. 



30 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



His stature was quite tall ; five feet eleven — 
Complexion rather dark, mustachios, 
A " favoris" on his under lip — teeth even 
And white, and that peculiar fashioned nose, 
To which the name of Roman has been given, 
For this he often raised his " gratios." 
And for his hair, quite equal to Leander's, 
Frizz'd while among us by immortal " Saunders." 

LXXXII. 

And he was bless'd with a most knowing eye, 
That spoke of something more than black and white, 
A scrutinizing glance, that seem'd to pry 
Into the thoughts of all beneath its light. 
At times a phrenzied glare you could descry, 
Bright sparkling, like a glow worm in the night — 
A look so wild, it made you think of Lear's, 
Or of a poet's searching for ideas. 

LXXXIII. 

His hands would make a very coxcomb linger 

To look upon, and envy the rich lot 

Of their possessor — so fair was ev'ry finger. 

They 'd blush for thy ten digits. Doctor Mott. 

Besides his other graces — as a singer. 

His powerful tones will never be forgot. 

His voice was rich, and full of soul, and mellow, 

In short — he was a most accomplish'd fellow. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 31 

LXXXIV. 

And surely not a coxcomb, tho' he knew 
No man in either planet had such hair ; 
He was not vain, altho' it might be true 
That he of all his graces was aware. 
He was convinced that both his eyes were blue, 
And that his mouth would make a beauty stare. 
Besides, he had a modest sort of notion, 
His ev'ry gesture was a graceful motion. 

LXXXV. 

Eccentricity does belong to genius, 

As doth a tail to toads, and such small geer. 

Your poets (but let this fact be between us) 

Are of all mortals certainly most queer. 

Their contemplations (sometimes very heinous) 

>So lift the soul from this terrestrial sphere. 

Their reckless flight, not having any hand on. 

They are not always sure which end they stand on. 

LXXSVI. 

Some particles of that " poeta vitae," 
Call'd moonshine, mingled in my hero's brain, 
Made him at times a little strange and flighty. 
Perhaps eccentric — changing like the vane, 
That doth to ev'ry breeze turn quite politely. 
But here there is a cause, and to be plain, 
The simile to say the least 's a bad one ; 
One has a moving pow'r, my hero had none. 



82 FASHIONABLE SATIRES, 



Many and strange the themes of conversation, 

That pass'd between the host and visitor ; 

The squire, hke ev'ry man of observation, 

Played the wise part of an inquisitor, 

And to his scanty stock of information, 

Added such hints as might increase it, for 

He held this world to be a sort of college, 

Where ev'ry man might gratis pick up knowledge* 

LXXXVIII. 

He was quite curious, among other things, 
To know the customs of the lunar people — 
If there they had presidents, or kings — 
If they 'd a City Hall too with a steeple — 
If the moon mov'd by steam, or if with wings — ^ 
If the Lunarians were strong, or feeble — 
And whether they had houses and green trees. 
And if the moon was re'ely made oi cheese I 

LSXXIX. 

Most men, like monkies, are inquisitive : 

Women are all particularly prone, 

To sift all matters thro' their fancy's sieve, 

A trait, some say peculiarly their own. 

But as I write a hist'ry, I will give 

Praise where 'tis due, and therefore be it known 

That " Yankees" are most favor'd with the blessing 

Of gleaning mighty truths, from simple guessing. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 33 

XC. 

The Pmilpryosity of a true "Down Easter," 
Exceeds all men's from India to the pole ; 
Or lady's, anxious once again to feast her 
Eyes on the expected idol of her soul — 
The confessional curiosity of a priest, or 
Even that prying earnestness of soul, 
With which a poet, feeling fictionary,* 
And short of rhymes, searches the dictionary. 

Xcx. 

" Sir," said the Justice, " are there any lamps 
To light you in the darkness thro' the sky ? 
For when a cloud obscures, or when the damps 
Rise from the earth, the moon must surely lie 
In gloom most drear. Do honest men, or scamps, 
Preponderate in quantity on high ? 
Pray sir" — but lo, there stood an empty chair, 
And he who had just filled it, was — not there. 

* Not found in Webster. 



END OP CANTO ONK. 



CANTO II. 



All hail Columbia ! nation of the brave ! 
Hail to thy freedom gloriously fought for ; 
Hail to that patriot band who live to save 
From nullifying faction, thy long wrought for 
Union of mighty strength ! Oh may a grave 
Deep as the well of truth, be sought for, 
In which engulphed this flimsy gull o' the nation, 
May in its blackness work its nullification. 



II. 



Long thrive thy growing cities, small and great, 
Long float thy ships upon the rolling seas, 
Bearing to other climes thy native freight, 
Long may thy steamboats heedless of a breeze, 
Walk thro' thy waters with a Naiad's state. 
Oh never may thy locomotives cease 
To travel o'er a rail road, with the power 
Of fifty horses, thirty miles an hour ! 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 35 



All hail to Gotham and her cleanly streets ! 
Where philosophic pigs delight to meditate, 
Unrimg, unwashed, yet " redolent of sweets," 
With feelings of republicans elate, 
And fearless of inspectors, or their feats. 
Where cows may chew their cuds, and cogitate 
Upon the rise of mud hills, and the vast 
Increase of offal, since they feasted last ! 



Hail to her sylvan groves and leafy bowers ! 
Vide the Park whose pale is ghostly pale. 
All hail to her high palaces and towers ! 
Namely the Bridewell, City Hall, and Jail. 
All hail that Caravansary, where showers 
Bright wit in sparkles thick as muddy ale. 
Where senators commit such grievous sinnings, 
By cheating sense, while patronizing Jennings. 



This hail storm being over, comes a calm, 

A merciful cessation of that " fire 

And brimstone," with the which the muses cram 

The brains of poets whom they would inspire, 

To make their entre with a grand salaam, 

A method, which I certainly admire ; 

And which you may perceive I have a grant to, 

In this chaste op'ning of my second canto. 



36 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

VI. 

Ill the first story of that house of call, 
Where Jennings tickles mortals to content ; 
Where men with wit, and some with none at all, 
Do likewise tickle in a way well meant, 
Th' illustrious heroes of our senate hall. 
Who late some wisdom and much breath have spent- 
One morning sate, all conscious of his glory, 
The interesting subject of this story. 

VII. 

A table stood before him, whereon lay 
A pile of notes, cards, letters, billet doux, 
Of all the rainbow's radiant dyes were they. 
Some sentimental, some quite silly too. 
Beseeching of his moonship, to allay 
The wishes of the fasldonahle few. 
No less than sixteen soirees and one dinner ! 
A glorious prospect for a new beginner ! ! 

VIII. 

A morning paper with the latest news, 
Attracted next the minister's attention, 
Wherein he read of Rothschild and the Jews, 
How little boys to battle led the French on, 
How Deibsitch did the Polanders abuse, 
About Leopold, and his mammoth pension. 
Of incidents and accidents, a summary. 
The Mayor's speech, all that sort of flummery. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 37 



And lo ! a flaming postcript capp'd " Mysterious ! ! 
Was placed in the far corner of the sheet : 
Whose contents made the statesman, quite deUrious 
With laughter at the oddness of the treat. 
It ran as follows: "A most rare and serious 
Affair, though clothed in mystery complete, 
Is as we understand on foot this hour, 
Between our country and some foreign power. 



"Strange rumours are afloat; and there have been 
Large bets by heavy speculators taken. 
Some speak of overtures, from the infant queen 
Of Portugal, to our General are making. 
Whether of love, or war, will yet be seen. 
Holders of foreign bonds, 'tis said are quaking 
With doubts and fears, and terrible surmises, 
All waiting eagerly the coming crisis. 



"An ambassador, upon this secret mission 

Yesterday 'tis said arrived in town, 

Some speculators say he is a Grecian, 

With power to offer his new kingdom's crown, 

To an American, of high condition, 

Whose country's glory speaks but his renown — 

We need not add this personage's name, 

There is but one, "John Randolph," known to fame. 



38 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

XII. 

"If Mr. Randolph will accept of Greece, 

Her offer'd crown there will be much — but mum, 

'Tis a strange business, those may judge who please. 

We have a notion, founded upon some 

Facts in our possession, that would ease 

(If any ease from such a source can come.) 

No doubt, the minds of many could they guess it ; 

But we are not at liberty t' express it." 

XIII. 

The minister held both his sides, and roar'd, 
'Till ev'ry wall gave echo to the peal. 
He felt himself with merry food well stor'd, 
And tho' to laugh, he knew, was ungenteel, 
Yet were his cachinations such, they pour'd 
Tears from his eyes, that did but half reveal 
The joyous titillations of a spirit. 
That had just then, no misery to jeer it. 

XIV. 

Oh Myst'ry ! parent dark of doubt and dread ! 
How dear thine influence in this age of brass, 
How few unloose thy web entangled thread, 
Wherein no clue resolves the twisted mass. 
Without thy charm few Poems would be read, 
Excepting Don Juan, and Hudibras, 
For 'twould indeed seem folly to be wise, 
If ev'ry fool could see with Argus eyes. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 39 



As early mists, that o'er the heavens fly. 
Enfolding in their shroud the rising sun, 
Do hallow by their shade, the gloomy sky 
That smiles unseen above their veil of dun : 
While thro' the vapour's waste, ye can descry 
Those sparkling streams of golden glory flung 
From out the fount celestial ; and away 
The gloom of night retires from the day> 

XVI, 

So Mystery doth hallow by its shade. 
All things enveloped in its magic maze, 
'Till Glory's self is glorified, and made 
More holy by its power. Old ^Etna's blaze, 
In ancient time with mystery array'd, 
Was Pluto's home, and thro' the midnight haze 
Afar oflf shone, his angels in each spark. 
Just like a Blackie's eye ball in the dark. 

XVII. 

It was a mild, clear morning ; the south breeze 
But lightly rippled o'er the sparkling bay — 
The sun shone brightly through the budding trees 
That lift their branches o'er that sylvan way, 
Yclept the Batt'ry, where in classic ease, 
Reclining often of a summer's day, 
The lovers of the picturesque, may note 
Some sleeping beauties postur'd " a la Brute,'' 



40 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

XVIII. 

That lie like heroes seeking a repose 
In Paphian shades, beneath their laurel leaves. 
The rippling water, its sweet music throws, 
And o'er their slumber dreams of fancy weaves.) 
'Till some moschito, lights upon a nose 
More ruby than the rest— then sadly grieves 
The hero of the sod, who with a shrug. 
Strikes manfully his nose — but not the bug. 

XIX. 

Oh ! ye who on — ^but I am too sublime. 
This mounting to the stars, in an oration, 
Will never do — and yet I know my rhyme 
Is better in its flights, than plain narration. 
Besides I cannot stop my muse, at times, 
Some subjects are so full of inspiration, 
That were all P**ld**g's maxims, in a sack 
Bound to her wings, they could not keep her back. 

XX. 

Attracted by the beauty of the weather. 
As also by the stranger's wish to view 
Those wonders of the world, that lie together 
Between the Battery and the Bellevue— 
(He meant to write his travels, and to gather 
Of course all subjects either strange or new.) 
My hero dress'd in a new suit by Tryom, 
Stepped forth to take a lounge and see the lions. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 41 



He touched the stones, and — oh the truth to tell 1 
Dropp'd at full length, and flat, with all his dignity! 
Yet Julius Csesar kiss'd the dust as well; 
Meeting his doom with calmness and benignity. 
And Colonel St*ne the thirteenth Caesar fell 
A martyr to his spite, and old malignity. 
But neither of these worthies, I believe 
Fell like my hero — by a lady's sleeve. 

XXII. 

He rose, glanc'd madly on the rabble crowd, 
And saw the lady, blushing to the eyes; 
An explanation whisper'd half aloud, 
A court' sey to the ground, a gale of sighs, 
Were quite enough — the gallant envoy bow'd ; 
Twirl'd his mustachios ; look'd wondrous wise, 
Then gracefully upsetting two who stood by, 
Flourish'd his stick, and bade the lady good bye> 



" Le vrai n'est pas toujours le vraisemblable." 
Remember that ; all ye who dignify 
Whatever to your sense appears unreasonable. 
With that most chaste of epithets, a lie: 
A name just here at least, unseasonable. 
And don't to my veracious muse apply. 
Besides the right of lying does most properly 
Belong to editors: 'tis their monopoly. 



42 ITASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



XXIV. 

I do admire the virtue, honest deaUng ; 

The just avk^ard of Justice, to one's neighbours. 

The worst of vices, certainly is steahng; 

Whether accomphsh'd by the cunning labors 

Of men, who fail in ev'ry honest feeling ; 

Then fail in bus'ness ; or by the sabres, 

Guns, and wounds, of those gentlemanly jobbers, 

Known by the Pearl-street wights, as highway robbers. 

XXV. 

Or whether it is gold, or friends, or fame, 
Though gold to lose than all, perhaps is worse ; 
For when one's gold is gone, it is the same 
As all^ for friends upon an empty purse 
Grow thin, and fame, we know is but a name 
That wealth before all other things can nurse. 
Fame stands aloft, and loud her trumpet blows; 
Till Croesus tweaks her gently by the nose. 

XXVI. 

I say it is a larceny, as grand 

To fleece one's fame, as 'tis to steal his gold. 

To pilfer any virtue underhand 

Belonging to another, and to mould 

It as his own — is more than one can stand 

Patiently — and submit to — and not scold : 

I therefore steal no purses, nor am creditor 

For any virtue, even to an editor. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 43 

XXVII. 

Dust, smoke, carts, stanhopes, chariots, chaises j 
Ten thousand human beings in a squeeze, 
Ribbons and rags, Harlequin, and the graces, 
Luxurious swine in gutters at their ease, 
Ladies with veils, and fops with empty faces, 
A score of beggars, stealing charities. 
Mix'd, mingled, jostled, in a crowd together ; 
Is Broadway of a morning in fine weather. 

xxviir. 

The sex — oh that my homely muse could dare 

In these most homely rhymes, to eulogize 

The high perfections of this city's fair ! 

Or, that I had the muse of Moore, to rise 

Above the gloom that meets me ev'ry where : 

Then would I raise a paean to their eyes. 

Those " arrowy lightnings" should inspire my sonnets, 

I'd sing their pouting lips and monstrous bonnets. 

XXIX. 

But no ! too high, too daring is the theme ; 
My humble rhyme its even course must run. 
Nor hope of such high excellence to dream. 
'Twould be like gazing on the glittering sun, 
Brightness would dazzle in each darting beam, 
'Till blindness left the hopeless task undone. 
Prometheus, the fame of gods to merit, he 
Once dared — but died alas for his temerity. 



44 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

XXX. 

The envoy gazed upon those saintly shapes ; 
Saintly — ^I say — but hold, I'll not enforce it. 
Certes — unless the fact my mind escapes, 
I never read of saint, who wore a corset, 
Nor were they very curious in tapes. 
No saintly forehead bore mock curls across it : 
Besides their bloom, was such as nature paints. 
The New- York damsels therefore are not saints. 

XXXI. 

That's settled then ! — My hero thought they were, 
In all his weary journeyings, o'er his planet he 
Beheld no youthful Cynthia to compare. 
With these bewitching models of humanity : 
Not in the moon was any thing so fair, 
Grace made more truly graceful, from its rarity. 
Modesty more modest, from disclosure. 
And then such feet ! — ^that delicate exposure ! 

xxxri. 
The apish airs of that ill manner'd kine, 
That sick'ning brood, that sense has not a grade for- 
Those walking pattern boards, that live to shine, 
In flashy coats all promised to be paid for. 
Each " shrimp" the glory of some "man of nine," 
Whose journey work he is, and who he's made for, 
Gave Rhodoshake, a sort of hesitation, 
As to the species of their generation. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 45 



Straight at the sight, as people who are sea-sick, 
He felt an agitation of the bowels, 
Which told him plainly that he soon would be sick. 
He thought of dandies, also of hot towels. 
Brandy he knew a cure — a sort of physic, 
Taken by patients, who have made a vow else 
Never to drink — 'tis strange instead of gaining, 
These brandy subjects always are complaining. 



I could in truth, to "Temperance Societies," 
A glowing benedicte, here upraise ; 
But I can spare no time on such proprieties, 
They've had their day too, and they wear the bays. 
A tale like this should have its gay varieties. 
And not be thought too moral in its praise : 
Besides it is for fun I write entirely. 
" Non hsec jocosse conveniunt lyrse. 

xxsv. 

It was just twelve o'clock — to be particular — 
When Rhodoshake made passage thro' the door, 
Of a large mansion, stiff, and perpendicular, 
That " stands at ease," in company with more, 
That in a very dirty sort of pickle are. 
Flank'd by a grog shop and a grocery store ; 
Where oft coal heavers for a tonic call. 
In view of that chaste spot, Masonic Hall. 



46 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



XXXVI. 

Now what a strange nondescript sort of pile; 

Shade of Inigo Jones, is that same Hall! 

What in the name of honor, could beguile 

An honest architect, to raise that wall ! 

That tasteless mass of stone ! say what's its style ? 

Its order pray ? Or has it none at all ? 

*' 'Tis Gothic, sir; and tho' you think it shabby, 

That is the American Westminster Abbey!" 

xxxvir. 

My hero's housed, and with a stately air. 

You may presume of course he made his graces. 

To what ? — Madam there were six ladies there 

In tonnish hats, and artificial faces, 

Each one and all, particularly fair. 

But all peculiar, in their sev'ral cases. 

A group of the elect — the sov'reign/eir. 

Who rule the roast, and scorn the common crew. 

XXXVIII. 

As the pale moon supreme at noon of night, 
Surrounded by her starry host, doth seem 
The glorious queen of all those spirits bright, 
That live but in the glory of her beam ; 
The borrow'd lustre of her robes of light; 
So regal in that coteri^ — supreme 
Glowed on that morn, in her last purple purchase, 
That lady patroness of ton — the Dutchess. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 47 

XXXIX. 

Conspicuously elegant, she rose 

The brightest spirit of that chosen band, 

Those small sharp features and that Grecian nose ; 

Blooming in smiles of condescension bland; 

And with an air a dutchess only knows 

Most affably presented her small hand. 

My hero seiz'd it gently, shook it oft, 

But ah! "he could not feel it 'twas so sofV^* 



If with a visage drawn out like a poker, 

I could for sanctity, get golden thanks — 

If with the long tried system of a croaker, 

I could draw prizes, where I now draw blanks — 

If I was rich, or if I was a broker, 

With two years honest shavings in the banks — 

I'd show my gratitude to Goth and Vandal, 

And dedicate an altar here to scandal. 

XLI. 

Miss as high priestess should preside, 

And with a chosen band of the elect ; 
Each morning on some character decide, 
And for an evening sacrifice select. 
Then 'mid a blaze of light, at eventide, 
That should in brighter glow their gems reflect, 
Around that altar should this deputation, 
To Scandal — sacrifice a reputation. 
* For this truly original expression, vide "Dutchman's Fireside." 



48 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



XLII. 

For what's a sullied name ? Go ask yon form 
That pines in silence its young life away ! 
Ask of that tear, fresh in its wo, and warm 
In its deep sorrow ! Ask that lock of grey ; 
Whiten'd in early prime ! Ask of the storm, 
That doth in furrows o'er the cheek pourtray, 
The matchless desolation of its breath ! 
Ask of the grave ! and it shall answer, death ! 

SLIII. 

Oh what a useful weathercock is Fashion ! 
Without it, where would be the use of being. 
Life is at best, a scene for man to dash on. 
Where half are shining, and where half are seeing'. 
The love of show, above all love 's a passion, 
And universal in its spread, agreeing 
Alike with common men, as with the grander, 
A Broadway Dandy, or an Alexander. 

XLIV. 

Ambition, truly has a wish to shine ; 
To be conspicuous, above one's neighbours. 
Some gain distinction, from those sisters nine. 
Whose aid all poets call for in their labors. 
(I wish they'd give some little aid to mine.) 
Some strike a light, and glory with their sabres 
And weave a garland bright as heaven's sheen« 
Witness that Wehh of glory wove by Green. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 49 

XLV. 

Methinks I see thee, most illustrious hero ! 
Thy bosom swelling with its mighty rage ; 
Thy blood at ' fever heat,' thy heart at ' Zero,' 
* No quarter' in thy mind's expressive page ; 
Calm, and cold blooded, in thy wrath as Nero, 
In mortal combat earnest to engage ; 
' To be or not to be.' All's one to him; 
In such a cause Death ceases to look grim. 



As erst Achilles to the Trojan gate, 

Like some strong war horse tramp'd the worthless ground; 

Or ' Orion's Dog' upon whose course await, 

' Terror and Death, and Plagues,' whose path surround. 

— Snuffing the air while big with deeds of fate, 

For Hector sought the city walls around — 

E'en so thrice valiant ' Colonel,' didst thou snuff. 

As o'er the city's halls you sought for Duff. 

XLVII. 

I see thee thus, 'most potent' in thy might, 
Confronting thine arch enemy alone. 
With ev'ry nerve drawn to its tension tight ; 
Thy whiskers, for the conflict stiflly grown ^ 
Bristling like quills of Porcupine in fight. 
Thy voice deep, gruff, and growling, in its tone. 
Close in thy beaver, snug in its safe keeping, 
Coils a choice coivhide, like a serpent sleeping. 



50 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 

XLVIII. 

It sleeps! — yet shall awake at thy command; 
To lash the craven loins of thy heart's foe. 
And see before thee now, the coward stand, 
Like Hector waiting for the coming blow. 
' Erect, austere, sublime,' his dexter hand 
Thrust in his vest, — he draws it forth, — and lo! 
In horror you behold that clenched fist, all 
Terrific, holding forth a mighty pistol. 

XLIX. 

Flat as a rag each bristling whisker drops \ 
Thy courage oozes from thy finger tips ! 
Thy siiouting blood's hot furious current stops ! 
Most blank thy visage — blue thy shining lips ! 
Nerveless thine arm ! and fallen are thy chops ! 
A tremor seizes now thy jointless hips ! 
One glance behind, one swallow of thy rage, 
And oh ! ' thrice valiant' thou art — O P H ! ! ! 



But to return — some find a glorious name 
In conqu'ring worlds, — that is a dozen cities ; 
Some in the law, meet with their highest aim ; 
Some write a novel, some poetic ditties; 
Some in pohtic squabbles find a fame. 
And some — alas ! it is a thousand pities, 
There are so few — in fashion's coalition, 
Reach the top round, of their supreme ambition. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 51 



Now to the Theatres — away — away, 
In parties of a dozen, more or less, 
Flock 'the elect,' the commons and the gay. 
Just see that private box ! Lord i what a press ! 
A general squeeze ! Is it to see the play. 
That crowds push in with such an eagerness? 
Those who had read ' the Courier' that morning. 
Saw this sweet note its leading page adorning — 



Lll. 

" That most distinguish'd personage Envoy, 
From Portugal, of whom we late made mention. 
As here on some mysterious employ. 
Continues to receive the first attention ; 
And seems indeed his visit to enjoy, 
Has it is said declared it his intention, 
With a small party — not a dozen quite. 
To visit the Park Theatre to-niffht." 



' All this great world is,' Shakspeare says, ' a stage/ 
' The men and women players,' and they play 
Strange kind of parts too, in this brazen age. 
Some choose the graver sort, and some the gay; 
But while hypocrisy is all the rage, 
A lengthen'd visage carries off the day. 
The man whose brow is never known to smile, 
Gains good applause and fills his purse the while. 



52 FASHIONABLE SATIRES, 



I know a player of this useful cast, 
A better actor never trod the boards. 
Long has his princely charities, held fast 
Our good opinions, and it thus affords 
Pleasure to mention here the treasure vast, 
That he by giving, has received in hoards. 
For 'tis with him, an honest calculation, 
To pocket double, on each new donation. 

LV. 

For what good man, would not in way of trade, 
Where moral motives always are so great, 
Incline to give his bus'ness, where its aid 
Would some new fund of charity create? 
When that the gain on ev'ry sale thus made. 
He knew would feed some beggar at the gate ! 
Indeed to be from such an impulse greeted. 
Would almost make one willing to be cheated. 



Mild as a moonbeam, on some tranquil bay, 
Where not a ripple breaks the glassy scene. 
Calm as its sleeping waters, in that ray, 
And smooth as its still tide that glides between 
Its verdant banks, to angry seas away; 
Far from those shores of never dying green. 
So mild, so calm, so smooth, the saintly phiz, 
That many an honest man may claim as his. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 53 



LVII. 



Good actors all, these honest men in sooth; 
Th Mr path is plain, and easy understood. 
Their garb is comely— 'tis the dress of truth; 
So pure their conduct, that it leaves no food 
For Scandal's tongue, or Envy's venom'd tooth; 
Their evil deeds, if any such, seem good; 
For this in loud applause, a nation claps 'em, 
Till that high constable, the Devil, traps 'em. 



LVIII. 



There is a sort of cunning, in some knaves, 
That is a glory to their little souls, 
They over-reach their neighbours, yet are slaves 
To their own cunning. Even so controls 
The careful mariner, across the waves. 
His wilhng craft, that o'er their bosom rolls; 
No rag of canvass bellying from the mast. 
He leaves his ship the plaything of the blast. 

LIX. 

Many the lesser supernumeraries, 

That strut upon this gen'ral stage of life, 

The ladies— bless them !— play the part of fairies, 

The Ariels of this scene of bustling strife. 

Some male there are, as well as female Mary's, 

Whose hearts with holy charities are rife, 

But of all mummers vile who bag our pence. 

Save us from these male "Mary Magdalens!" 



54 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



But to return to facts, which are historical. 

— I do maintain this tale to be a true one — 

Some of its truths are somewhat allegorical, 

And all its thoughts are not exactly new ones ; 

Yet 'tis in substance true as any oracle. 

How e'er with doubt its marvels may imbue one. 

Truth is most strange at times — stranger than fiction, 

And I to truth, am under sworn restriction. 



'Tis evening now! the jewels of the sky, 
Sparkle like gems upon a monarch's crown. 
The moon casts mildly from her throne on high, 
The deep bright fulness of her glory down ; 
Still o'er the earth, her glitt'ring treasures lie, 
Upon the sea, the mead, and mountains brown. 
Seen through her beams of ever living light, 
High basks the spire in her calm glory bright. 

LXII. 

Far thro' the vista of yon spreading trees, 
Whose twining arms have roof 'd an arch of green, 
An op'ning looks upon the tranquil seas, 
Whose deep still waters glad the silent scene ; 
And as their branches swaying with the breeze, 
Let thro' their apertures, the moon's pale sheen. 
Like golden threads through beauty's raven hair, 
Gleams the calm light, athwart its shadow there. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 55 



The tiny waves, that ripple Hghtly o'er 
The pebbled beach of yon wide spreading bay, 
Bear on their crested tops, old ocean's ore 
In many a sparkling gem, of silver ray. 
Light dance the waters to the meeting shore, 
As o'er their face the evening breezes play. 
Calm is the glowing scene, around, above, 
It is the hour of eve ! the hour of love ! 

LXIV. 

The Envoy linger'd in that silent shade ; 

And felt the holy influence of the hour. 

Nor he alone — for at his side, array'd 

In all th' angelic strength of beauty's pow'r, 

There sat a blooming, young, and blushing maid; 

Effiising heaven o'er that earthly bow'r. 

By her blest presence, such as Houri's eyes 

Shed o'er Mahomet's fabled paradise. 

LXV. 

Her face was turned to Heav'n in a look, 

So full of hope on that expanse above 

As seem'd to read in its eternal look, 

The future glowing in a life of love. 

The brightest dream of youth, that cannot brook 

One thought of happiness, that is not wove 

In fragrant garlands from the heart's rich stores, 

Together with the being it adores. 



56 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



And she was formed for love, her speaking face, 

Was eloquent of feelings, such as are 

The offspring of the gods. 'Twas sweet to trace 

In the deep blush, that rose and mantled there. 

That angel virtue, so replete with grace. 

That by its aid alone, is woman fair. 

Or catch the new born sigh that did respire, 

Like the remember'd breathings of a lyre» 



Her very mouth, like a ripe cherry cleft, 
Half parted, showed within, its even pearls. 
Free of all art, of studied care bereft. 
Floated her hair in long and graceful curls, 
Adown a swan-like neck, that would have left 
Deep in its shade, Circassia's blooming girls. 
There ev'ry blush suffus'd the crimson glow, 
Like sun beams stealing o'er the drifted snow. 

LXVIII. 

Fashion had ranked her long among the few, 
Whose golden rules no caitiff dare deny, 
She was " well read," and yet no tinge of blue 
Could ever the most curious descry. 
Latent, or present, in her stocking's hue, 
Dimning their whiteness with its azure dye. 
She was content to read the last new fiction, 
Without a dissertation on its diction. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 57 

LXIX. 

And she had gold withal, that potent charm, 

Whose power makes 'black, white-foul, fair-wrong, right — 

Base, pure — old, young' — that can and doth disarm 

'The hoar leprosy,' of its loathsome blight: 

And ' makes and breaks religions' by its arm. 

That 'yellow slave,' that gem of earthly light, 

The true ' to xjiaov,' Archimedes' lever. 

With which worlds are, and shall be mov'd forever ! 

LXX. 

Her sire, a true republican in spirit, 

Was proud as Lucifer, that ancient tory. 

Gold was his all, he did not fame inherit, 

As his forefathers were not great in story. 

All men are born, with equal rights and merit, 

All run with equal chance, the race of glory. 

Republicans do preach this creed, — the fact is 

Yet to be proved, that as they preach they practice. 

LXXI. 

Her name was Laura — 'tis a pretty name 

It sounds so much like laurel, — ' laurel crown' d — ' 

The poet's passport to eternal fame, 

(With such a garland should my brows be bound. 

But modesty forbids me here lay claim 

To all my due, — and I have lately found 

That Vanity, in poets very ill is, 

I'll therefore copy modest Mr. W****s.) 



58 FASHIONABLE SATIRES 



And now, for that concluding word unspoken — 

In next week's ' Mirror,' I expect a pufF; 

A pufFdirect, in which we shall be broken, 

— Me, and my rhymes — to dust as fine as sniifF; 

So be it then, and that shall be a token 

That this small spice of praise suits well enough j 

But 'tis the fate of genius, so no wonder 

If envious they tear my wreath asunder.— 

LXXIII. 

Well there sat Laura, looking at the moon, 
As calm and placid, as its own sweet face. 
The time was somewhere ' in the month of June,' 
The hour was evening, and you know the place. 
Or if you don't, your mind is in a swoon, 
For where could be that spot of sylvan grace. 
That shady grove of green, that free from flattery 
I've eulogis'd; if not upon * the Battery.' 



Her hand — her taper, delicate white hand. 

Was in her lover's clasp'd ; so tenderly 

It seem'd the electric chain of love ; — the band 

Of beating hearts, thro' which might flee 

In ev'ry pulse from out love's burning brand, 

The living sparks of passion's ecstacy. 

So seem'd his thoughts, as on her blooming cheek 

His glance told volumes that he dare not speak. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 59 



Her eyes met his and gaz'd upon them there 

In one deep look of feehng and of soul, 

As though they would each other's thoughts compare, 

And read that passion, neither could controul. 

As if the heart did from the eyes declare 

The thoughts tumultuous, that within did roll. 

Till love no longer ling'ring in its bliss, 

Pour'd forth its rapture in — one melting kiss. 

LXXVI. 

And here chaste muse we'll stop, if you think best, 
Our song is done, our theme has died away. 
And here awhile upon our oars we rest, 
And wait the public nod, — whose awful sway 
Hath strength to curse, or make forever blest : 
All authors feel its power and obey, 
And we its humble servants will await 
With due submission its decree of Fate. 



If it but smile, there shall be more anon, 
Some dozen cantos, possibly, or less. 
Of all the subjects these shall treat upon. 
Is more than I may now presume to guess, 
The next at least, will savor of ' the ton,'' 
With which my hero has just now access. 
And with some little scandal from my Aunt O- 
I hope to make a decent sort of canto. 



60 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



Of love — since I've began it, I will sing 
In melting strains, as soft, as sweet, as shrill, 
As music from the throat of birds, ' or wing 
Of honey bee.' To Fashion's corps I will 
A song upraise — an anthem that shall ring 
In notes as pleasing, as a bubbling rill. 
I have good store of matter for my themes. 
Some more veracious too than poet's dreams. 



I have prepared a volume of good prose. 

That doth some facts quite curious contain ; 

The which when paraphrased, I may disclose, 

And edify the public with the strain; 

If envious critics don't my path oppose. 

By taking my good hero's name in vain. 

My hopes are great, but here I merely hint 'em, 

I've ' taken notes' and by the gods I'll * print 'em.' 

LXXX. 

By these I hope to show my fond regard, 
For some great persons in authority. 
Men, who the pubhc purse and morals guard; 
But whose great virtues are held secretly. 
It is the good intention of the Bard 
To hand such down to their posterity. 
Thro' the eternal blazon of his rhymes, 
They shall be heard of in far coming times. 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. (>1 



LXXXI. 

Some 'flowers' alas! 'are born to blush unseen, 
And waste their sweetness on the desert air.' 
But these shall not their blushes hide, I ween, 
Nor sweetness waste in deserts — 'tis not fair 
To place a candle's light behind a screen, 
Or with a veil to cover jewels rare : 
I will reveal them bv my living lyre. 
That men may look upon them and admire. 

LXXXII. 

I shall not say a word about Divinity, — 
Not being deeply studied in that same : — 
Nor bring up doctrines of or for the Trinity, 
Such subjects are beyond my feeble aim; 
Nor would I truly even for a minute be 
Suspected of a thought against its name. 
For other wicked backs, besides the churches, 
My castigating and satiric birch is. 

ixxxiir. 

Not now, if ever, I would rather laugh 

At this most strange fantastic world than greet, 

And yet there is around some worthless chaff. 

That well might be clean winnow'd from the wheat. 

If this were done, alas ! would not the half 

Be found at least, a hollow grainless cheat ? 

Oh — why Diogenes <me candle rear 

To search for Virtue f — Take a chandelier! 



62 FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 



From critics, I anticipate no quarter, 
But am prepared to suffer very meekly. 
It was foretold me I should die a martyr ; 
Therefore, good gentles, do your bus'ness sleekly. 
And yet my rhymes for your good will I'd barter 
Either in monthly magazines, or weekly ; 
For those who praise my rhyme, and hero's mission, 
I'll do the handsome thing, in next edition. 

LXXXV. 

Wherein I'll clearly make the fact apparent, 
That they are men of judgment, and discretion, 
And will produce their just critique, as warrant 
Of their high title to their learned profession. 
In short I'll be their knight, and hero errant, 
And battle like a literary Hessian. 
But what is more, their Journals I'll subscribe to j 
So there is praise immortal, and a bribe too. 



And now adieu ! most ' gentle reader, and 
Still gentler purchaser ;' again we meet 
If these good gentry take me by the hand. 
And with all proper praise, my numbers greet. 
If not, 'tis no great matter, in a land 
Where Bards may turn to grocers, and complete 
Their fortunes in a manner less divine, 
Instance the ' cotton trade and sugar line.' 



FASHIONABLE SATIRES. 63 

, LXXXVII. 

If Halleck turns 'to sugar,' may not I, 

Whose wings of song are hardly yet in feather, 

(If that the muse her gracious aid deny. 

To bear me on through storms and cloudy weather.) 

In some such 'line,' my rising fortunes try? 

And if not laurels, gems as solid gather? 

Oh yes, I will like the immortal ' Croaker,' 

Turn from a Poet, to a 'Cotton Broker!' 

LXXXVIII. 

' Farewell my little book !' good luck betide ! 
'I launch thee on the waters,' fare thee well ; 
There is a breeze upon the ocean wide, 
Will bear thee out — but where, the Fates can tell. 
Some craft to friendly ports of favour glide ; 
Others, alas! to some 'trunk maker's' cell: 
In the first port be found my gentle cantos, 
But never let me catch you — in ^or^-manteaus. 



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